Dear isolation ...

I’m afraid of you! I know I shouldn’t be but I am. It’s not the term isolation itself, I’ve been doing that for years! It’s being left all alone with my thoughts, with the memories of my dark past that I have been running from! Events, people and experiences that I want to vanish from my existence! But why am I running? In this endless loop that never ends … this loop causes me so much pain because I am trapped and cannot get out! I’m running from fear! Fear of so many things it’s overwhelming! I’m sitting here staring at a crack in my wall wondering if it would just swallow me up ?! Why? So I don’t have to face reality! I get told daily that things will get better and I have faith in that, good things do come out of bad situations! But it doesn’t happen immediately and that’s what makes it so damn hard! I close my eyes and I see the things I want to forget and nothing will take them away! The guilt from my mistakes and things I can’t change, but have to learn to live with! 

My heart is pounding, I feel so unsafe locked in my own house! No one can get to me here, but it doesn’t feel like it! I’m curled up on my sofa unable to move … stuck like time is frozen and all I can see is the memories of things that I wish never happened. It’s so hard because I know everything happens for a reason, but why did these things happen? These things that haunt me daily, that I would never wish upon another soul! Not even my worst enemy! I blame myself and I know it’s not entirely my fault, but if naive little me had made better choices she wouldn’t have gotten herself into bad situations she can’t get out of! It’s destroying me! I'm trying so hard to get better and I am making progress, but this hurts bad! My head can’t take it, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat much, I can’t even look at myself and I feel so alone! I know I have people but I hate being a burden, I want to help people but refuse the help myself! It’s just an endless battle that I keep fighting! I’ve always used dance as an escape, but today that isn’t even working! It’s not months anymore though, just days! But this is the start of my own little lockdown and I’m scared! Anxiety is being a bitch!